How Terrible It Is...

Death is all around me these days. In flash backs and fast forwards. People I never knew and people I really did. So much of the world we live in and the flesh we live in is a mystery. We don't know what we are, where we came from or where were going. The whole human race is just a simple, violent, complicated and beautiful little ant farm. We call blue, blue because someone decided that's what it was for us. We've been fed lies and we feed them to others.

Death is so final, it might not be the end entirely for those that die. I'm 99.9% sure there is some kind of afterlife, but it is final for those left behind. We're still stuck in this little ant farm with all are little ant bullshit and we don't ever get to see the one we love again. In this life, in this body, we will never see them again. They are gone and lost to us. I could not live to turn 23 or I could live to be 90 years old and it won't change my version of forever. Forever is as far into the future as you can see. In a few hours I'll be going to my first funeral in four years, my third ever and I'm watching someone close to me plan a 4Th. I don't understand why. I don't believe people die so we can appreciate life, because death makes life less appreciable. It makes it weaker and harder and emptier. All life is divided between good days that go too fast and bad days that go too slow. I don't know where today will take me or how I'll feel 10 minutes from now but I know some of my loved ones are dead and the rest of us are all next. How do you like them apples?

Life Isn't A Movie

Life isn't a movie unless you count god as an audience. Death is tragic from every angel and yet life is also. So what does that leave us with? The ones left behind and the ones snatched away... where is this line that divides us and who put it there?

Lost Without You

It's been 3+ months since I've had working Internet in my apartment... it's been so hard. Well the first month was the hardest... the detox period. The #1 thing I missed was the music... discovering new artist online and downloading them was painful. The 2nd thing I missed was my blog!!! Even if only 1 person looks at it a month it's still worth it. It's fun and a way for me to share all the little things that interest me... #3 was sidereel.com I used to watch all my shows there cause I won't buy cable. I'm a hard core since episode 1 SKINS fan and well I missed the entire 4th season of skins! A piece of me broke off into little slag ashes when I realized this TODAY! An whats worse is I read a SPOILER that said Freddie dies or goes missing giving the illusion of death... and that the season end so crappy it's enough to stop watching the show. I hope it's not true!!!! Any way I'm back on the saddle with much to make up for!

Too Little, Too Late

I know what I know...

nothings set in stone

a smile can heal more than you'd think

you never really know anybody

even though we pretend to we never really give up

some people leave forever

sometimes you have to fall to feel alright

hearts don't think; they feel

a scar is just that a scar

love can't be erased

pain can't be forgotten

without our past we have no future

sticks and stones don't really hurt as much as words from a lover

we wouldn't know good if we didn't know bad &

The biggest life lessons are learned too late...

Fish Tank

Subtle brilliance! I had the pleasure of watching Fish Tank, written and directed by Andrea Arnold, last night and I'm so glad I did. First off British movies are almost always portrayed in a more realistic and almost gritty kind of way. It reflects the way the world really is apposed to the dream reality created for teens and adults in a lot of American movies. I read numerous reviews of the movie before I saw it some said it was too "gritty and depressing" while others saw it as boring and "not dark enough" while I found it fell nicely between the two.

The movie is about a 15 year old girl named Mia, her mom's a young self-obsessed lush more concerned with parties and men than her kids. Mia is bitchy, angry and feels alone, she drinks and dances her pain away in an abandoned flat as her only way of escaping her reality. You start off loathing the two female leads but when Mia comes across an old horse that's sickly and chained near a trailer she softens the tiniest bit and tries to break the chains to set it free. (This is the whole point of the movie in that Mia herself feels like a tortured and chained horse bitter and stuck in a bad situation that just wants to be free or like a fish trapt in a fish tank staring out at a world she can't touch.)

As the movie progresses Mia's mom brings home a new boyfriend and there is instant sexual tension between the two. Her moms new boyfriend serves as a positive influence of sorts at first, encouraging Mia to believe in herself and to pursue her dancing. But when their relationship crosses the line which was inevitable it changes everything and sets Mia off towards a serious emotion breakdown that takes her down an even darker path than what she started out on, but she isn't the monster or bitch that you think.

You start to slowly unwind the characters cores and you see Mia as more than just a pissed off teenager. She's not nearly as tuff on the inside as she is on the outside and she's not a bitch she's just a product of her enviorment. Even the mother you feel for in the end, she's not a good mother by any means but you see her cracking as well and you see a girl, not a mother just a tuff little girl choking and drowning in the reality she created.

The boyfriend Conner played by Michael Fassbender didn't come off as a predator or a creep more like a boy who can't help himself even though he tries, he avoids responsibility and runs from his problems to avoid the consequences. In fact all the grown ups in this movie come off more as lost little kids, while the actual lost kids in the movies are forced to take on grown up roles. I could go on and on about how amazing this movie is. It's beautifully filmed and the acting is nothing like acting it's all incredibly real feeling. The bright shining star of the movie is Katie Jarvis who plays Mia. In her first shot at acting she comes off as an old pro and I hope she has a long acting career ahead of her because I'll never forget her performance in this movie!

Hide & Seek

It's frustrating trying to find yourself... like playing hide and seek and having to do both. While trying to elude what's chasing you; your in pursuit of something as well. My passion for art, in all it's forms seems to flicker like a flame though it's much more durable that fire, I still find myself unsure and wavering on what to do with my need to create and how to grow from it. Millions of people want to be and a lot of them are; artists. What makes a successful artist? This is something that been debated forever I'm sure and I know in my heart of hearts it's being proud and satisfied with your own work and using your own vision to complete yourself. Still I wish that were enough to satisfy me but by golly I want the glory too! So I guess my real question is what makes a happy artist? I've always been creative and I've been keeping sketch books since I could draw a stick figure. Yet I went 18 years of my life being passionate about something else entirely. It wasn't until I lost my ability to see the world as I'd been taught, that my heart and soul switched over into another realm of possibilities. Since then I've been awakened to a different view, a realist with a flair for color and constant questions. I'm an artist because it's out of my control, I broke through the glass and used my bloody wounds to paint myself a new beginning. That was the easy part. Now I'm creating my way through my early twenties in search of happiness, success and myself. Thank god for mp3's they really are the soundtracks to our lives and a good selection makes for a better movie!